How I Become Myself #1

October 16, 2015




"Tahukah anda? I wasn't myself during these past years." Whenever I told my friends that, even if they angguk-angguk, I know some of them berkata pada hati mereka "eh betul tei tu?". Ahem. I know myself more than you do lah. 

It started since, I don't really remember. Tapi yang pasti since primary school until earlier this year, I guess. I don't know why I want to ungkit this story back. Maybe I just need to write. Actually I read my diaries again. The 2009-2013 diaries. I want to see how much I change. And I do change a lot. 

2009-2010, I don't really think that I was already an actress during that time. It started since 2011 lah tu kan -,-' 2011, I befriend with some people actually. They were so cool, pretty, nice, smart. And I was just a quite smart girl but can be fooled easily. Immature and naive. So I befriended with them lah.

I tried to be like them. I tried everything to look pretty, cool. I didn't care about my parents' advise. When my parents said that I shouldn't do something, I did because my friends said that it was cool and it wasn't cool to follow your parents' rules all the time. 

And I was just a fool back then. They fooled me and I was too naive so I kept forgiving and giving them everything they wanted. HAHA. 

How can I recount back these memories?

Because in every entry in my diaries, I keep saying "mau tau kah, si ____ kan cantik tau, semua orang mau kawan dia. dia kan........" And that was me. I tried to look cool, act cool, I must be up to date. I thought that was me. I lost my happy-naive-innocent self. I thought that my pretends are real and true. Until I fell on a concrete.

Ergh dramatiknya ayat.

Until I realize how I was being such a fool and being fooled by the fools.

And somehow some good things that they taught me masih melekat dengan diri ini sampai sekarang. So I let it be here. Because now they are part of me, can't be separated. 

My advice is, whoever that surrounds you, don't let them make you lose yourself. Always remind yourself about something that you love about yourself. Don't let the things that you hate about yourself control you, that's the only way to stay true to yourself. If you let them control you, I guarantee that you'll regret it for the rest of your life. Like I do.

Love,
Pyps. xoxoxoxoxo

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