Home Isn't Always Happiness

My friend used to ask me,

"If you could have anything in life, what would it be?"

I answered,

"I want endless amount of money (me being materialistic and half-lying) and just happy."

Then she said,

"Happy? Itu jak kau mau?"

Yes. I only want to be happy. Because I'm a human, and humans are actually chasing for an eternal happiness.

Orang usaha kuat-kuat, mahu capai impian yang tinggi, sebab mahukan kebahagiaan. Orang berhenti belajar, sebab tidak mahu terikat dengan peraturan sekolah, pun sebab dia mahukan kegembiraan. Orang Islam, sentiasa solat 5 waktu, berzikir kepadaNya, puasa, bayar zakat, beriman, untuk mencari kebahagiaan yang abadi di syurga nanti.

Can't you see? Kita semua mencari kebahagiaan dan kegembiraan.

But that's not the topic hari ini.

My friends always say, yang kehidupan saya amatlah mudah, bahagia, bahagia, syok, syok dan bahagia.

I can understand sebab mereka tinggal di hostel. Dan keluarga mereka amatlah.. bahagia? I guess so? Sebab tu dorang tidak sanggup berjauhan dengan family? I don't know. Sebab since I was 7, I planned on running away from this town. I love this town, I love my family tapi there are some reasons yang membuatkan saya ingin lari. Lari dari sesuatu yang menghilangkan kegembiraan saya.

Diorang bolehlah cakap saya bahagia. Saya gembira. I am happy, but I'm not happy. They totally have no idea apa yang saya lalui setiap pagi and petang and malam. Diorang tidak tau. And the point is, mereka tidak akan pernah faham. Sebab mereka terlalu sibuk melihat kebaikan tinggal di rumah berbanding keburukannya. Sebab mereka sibuk melihat kebahagiaan yang sering dipancarkan dari senyuman saya, kesenyapan saya apabila mereka sedang bercakap pasal hostel, sampai air mata yang sentiasa bertakung di mata saya, tidak pernah kelihatan. That's the point.

They don't know how it fucking hurts, deep inside my heart. 

And no. I wouldn't tell them kenapa tidak bahagianya saya tinggal di rumah.

Sebab they are not genuine. They are just curious. 

People always say,

"Kalau kau ada masalah, ada apa-apa mau cakap, just want to spill everything out, cakap jak dengan saya. Saya sudi mendengar."

And in the end, mereka just curious. Sebab instead of just listening, they criticize everything. They judge. So apalah point of talking? I'm not the one who's talking, dorang yang sibuk mengkritik betapa salahnya perasaan yang saya rasakan sedangkan dorang tidak tau cerita saya.

Home might equal to happiness to some people, tapi bukan saya. I am happy with my family, but this isn't happiness.

That's all for today. Farewell from and to the other side. Assalamualaikum. xoxoxoxoxo

Update: I was in a very dark place when I wrote this. Please don't mind anything that I wrote. My mind wasn't in a good shape during this phase. I don't want to delete this because it holds something in my heart.


We Don't Talk Anymore

We met people, we got to know people, we loved people, we shared secrets with those people, we had misunderstanding, we didn't really think the same anymore and eventually people leave. That's how life works right?

Because that happened to me too.

It's not like I don't want to talk to them anymore, or avoiding them. They were my best friends. I shared secrets and dreams with them. I shared everything with them. I used to be that person that would be there for them if they need me. But we just simply drifted apart, you know? They went to their own way, and I go to mine. 

Sometimes it's hard. Indeed, it was hard.


Because sometimes they are the only people that would understand. They were there when I was in misery, they knew almost everything and when we drifted apart, I don't even know who to talk to. I'm speechless. I need someone to talk with, but in the end I'm just lost. 

I knew their secrets too. The little white lies they used to say. 

Now, we just don't talk anymore. We just simply say hi and hello and goodbye but there are a lot of untold words between us. 


"Do you still like him?"

"How the walk towards dream are going?"

"Are you okay?"

"Are you planning to leave?"

I know I should be grateful for what I have today and forget about the past. I am grateful for all the blessings. But sometimes you long for yesterday. When you don't mind doing this and that, because the people that surround you are not that kind of people that would fear to try something new. They were full of life. And I was empty. Maybe that was the magnet between us before. 

Well whatever. They have their life. And I have my own. They left and I left from that somewhere only we know. And we're quite happy. 
That's all for today, have a nice week, good luck, eat, pray, live, love and laugh! Assalamualaikum and s'long. 

Pyps. xo


Vent Session: Current Life, Family, Friends

I was born as the first child. And first child is a synonym to berdikari, being a good example to the younger siblings, and positive and smart and intelligent and so on. 

I'm trying to be like their expectations. I'm trying trying trying. And I get better each day tapi I'm not always perfect and that's okay.

But one thing that I got from being the first child is, I need to always always always look strong to my brothers. I need to look brave. I need to teach them to be a better person than I actually am. And that makes me a keeper. I don't open up about my problems to people. I'm not a talker, I'm a writer.

So whenever people ask me to talk, to open up, I'm going to be very speechless. I want to say something but it will tersekat di skala 6. My voice, I mean. It wouldn't come out. 

Sometimes I want to say it, tapi macam mana if the responds are going to be very awkwardly awkward?

Okay. Now I need to talk about my life.

Just now my friend said yang my other friend said,

'Best ni saya nampak kehidupan si Pypaa. Dia pandai, dia tinggal di rumah, dia sama family dia. Bahagia ni dia. Saya mau betul kehidupan dia.'

But I think kan, kehidupan orang lain seems better than mine tau. They got to enjoy. Be with friends. Experiencing how is it being young. I want that life. I long for their life. But they want mine. 

To be honest, my life isn't perfect. I always have some problems, a lot of problems actually. The difference is, I'm good in hiding something. Especially my feelings, my problems, I'll hide it and people wouldn't really see it. Sometimes even in the middle of the crowd, saya rasa macam mau nangis. Sebab rasa terlalu lalu lalu lalu lalu halimunan. And my problems are worse. Bukan pasal study jak, I got some confidence issue, trust issue, friendship issue, being honest issue, the untold words issue, my family issue, my big family issue, my second beloved family issue, money issue, issue and issue. 

The problem never ends.

So what do you really expect from my life? Just because I don't live at hostel but I live in my home, doesn't mean yang saya tiada masalah. My life have the bright and the dark side.

Family. Well I already told you about my position in my family in the mukaddimah.

But now I'm going to tell you about my second beloved family. PRS family. They are my idol. My inspiration. This family played a big role about my changes. From this family, I learn about not being too judgmental, not to care about what people think, to think from other perspectives.

But since saya tidak tinggal hostel and I'm not a talker, I have problem with being a PRS. Sometimes I don't even know why I got chosen to be a PRS. I'm not a confident person, I'm not a talker, I'm not that friendly tapi kenapa saya? Kenapa saya, yang sikapnya 360 degree berbeza dengan PRS yang lain, dipilih untuk jadi PRS?

That's why, I always try to run from them. Saya rasa macam I'm on the lowest part in the world and they are living up in the sky. Because I'm not as confident as them, I'm not as friendly as them, I'm not a good talker, saya rasa macam saya tidak layak langsung Y_Y

And earlier in this year, I actually decided to try to letak jawatan as a PRS. Because I was never a PRS anyway. I'm like a fly in the rose garden.

So today, I opened up to Ain and Lala and Mia. I was kind of relieved and they gave me some motivation so I decided to try again. To just be happy. To just do it. To be a part of them again.

Like Lala said,

"Kau patut buang seja semua tu. Buat apa mau rasa takut kan? Dulu saya pun macam tu tapi, saya fikir, kan saya hidup satu kali jak, saya mau mati sudah ni, jadi buat apa mau takut untuk bercakap kan?"

That's all and all. Farewell and assalamualaikum :) Good luck.

Pyps. xoxo


this is for you | Sunday's thought

Hey. Tomorrow's Monday. I don't know what's gonna be, and I don't really want to know. I'm just going to follow the flow. For what I'm going through right now is written by the greatest writer. 

Maybe, it's going to be shitty again. I'm going to fuck something up and end up weeping for my mistakes. Maybe again, I'd be frustrated by some people or disappoint some people.

Or maybe, this week is going to be nice. I'll laugh again. I'll smile and I'll write everything that I'm grateful of, it's going to be okay with the good weather; not so hot and not too cold. Maybe this time I'll actually gain confidence I never had and I'm going to be awfully happy. But that's like a sunny day before a hurricane right?

But a week will always contain from both sides, the bad and the good. Life isn't always beautiful, but that doesn't mean my life is bad right?

So to you who reads this the night before tomorrow,

I'll hope and pray for your happiness through this week.
May He ease your way through success in this world and the afterlife.
I'll hope that the traffic jam isn't that bad,
I'll pray that you'll not over-snooze your alarm,
I'll hope and pray that your hard works pay you equally.

I want you to know, even if you think you're alone, you're not.
There are some people for you and waiting for you,
It's just that maybe it's not the time yet.
When the time comes, they'll meet you and you'll not be alone anymore.

I want to know you're loved.
You are not perfect, and not everybody loves you,
But some people love you,
And all that love is enough and better than the fake loves that some people give.

So to you who reads this the night before tomorrow,
Good luck.
Eat, pray, live, love and laugh.

Farewell from the other side, xoxoxoxo.



Week Wrap Up: Too Tired


Hari ini beta agak over-excited sebab lama sudah tidak rehat begini. Sobs. 3 minggu berturut-turut no rest jadi siapa tidak penat kan? With the homeworks, and dealing with annoying siblings and annoying friends, adapting the new routine, digesting every new maths and add maths formulas, physics, new format for new kind of essays, another hukum, dalil, ayat al-Quran to be remembered, and I'm tired.

But you need to get through a sea of thorns if you choose to be in the rose garden kan? It's up to you to make the space in the garden larger or vice versa. Nampak kah metaforanya di sana? *ceh*

I also developed a new everyday-drink-routine. I need to drink a cup of coffee every morning to make sure I'm not going to have migraine, and not to sleep in the class.

I had a lot of assignments this week since Monday. And need to be sent today morning. I did almost everything last minute sebab my everyday-before-fajr-homeworks-time plan wasn't really working. I did some of the homeworks tapi in the end bukan semua siap Y_Y

I borrowed 4 books from town library last week tapi satu pun belum habis baca. And I think almost every teacher yang masuk kelas kami realize that all of us are really tired. Like really worn off. Exhausted. 

So, basically, this week is all about assignments, formulas, studying, notes, coffee, coffee, coffee, foods, foods, books, books, eye bags, eye bags, tired, exhausted and being punched by life in my eyes.

But whatever. In order to grow up, like plants, we need to get through the change of weathers, being stomped on, and rain. 

That's all and all.

Farewell to the other side. Assalamualaikum.

Lots of love,
Pyps. xoxoxo


I Hate 2016's Wednesdays

credit: www.lovethispic.com

Wednesday have always been the most bad day in each week and I'm used to it.

I kind of expected the worst every Wednesday. 

Like today.

Every Wednesday, co-curricular meetings will be held but that's not exactly the reason why every Wednesday is the most bad day in each week.

It's just most of bad thing happens in Wednesday. Since last year. Maybe it's just a coincidence but I suspect that it's a curse. Lol hahaha.

But today, it is one of the worsts. 

First of all. Like I said, today, Wednesday is the day of co-curricular meetings will be held. And since it's January, our meeting's objective is to have the new leaders. Pengerusi, naib pengerusi, setiausaha, bendahari and blah blah blah. And today, we had two meetings, one for kelab&persatuan and another one for sukan&permainan. I was quite excited when I went to kelab&persatuan's meeting sebab we're one of the elders now, even if we're not the eldest. 

But when it comes to sukan&permainan, I actually expected myself not to be seen, as I always been invisible to them. But it turned out to be the opposite one. This time the boys really got me on my nerves. They are boys, they play around, I understand that very well because I live with boys. 4 boys. But they shouldn't just say anybody's name out loud when they don't actually mean it. 

They shouldn't play with anybody's feeling. They should know it hurts so much.


Some people should stop being too sensitive about their feelings. This thing happened to me twice with different people today. And gosh if I ever did any wrong to any of you, I'm genuinely so sorry. It's like you hated me even since the first year. 

Well I can't expect everybody to like me right?


Today I went to the town. To buy a 'zebra' and 'sharpie'. The first place I went to is Riverside Market. But all of their stationary are out of stock. The second place I went to was G-Mart, but the same phenomenon also occurs there. I was so tired and I want to take a rest and I want to give up. But my Pa said that we should try to go to Sabindo Market. I actually said no at first but my dad convinced me to try first.

And luckily, (that was actually the luckiest thing to me that happened to me today, aside from frying the egg perfectly) there were a lot of sharpies there! And 'zebras' too! There were bunches of 'em. 

But whatever. It's just a bad day, not a bad life.

Pypaa. xoxo


How Do I Make These People Let Me Go?

credit: tumblr

Have you ever love this group of people, like really like and love and absolutely adore them but you want to run away from them? Because that's what I'm feeling right now. And actually if I want to move from this school, they would be one of the reasons. Not because I hate them. Like I said, I love, like and absolutely adore them.

I used to see a lot of people wanted to walk away from this group. But they didn't because the group loved them. And before, I used to say that I'll never walk away. But now I'm hesitating to even meet them. I want to avoid anything that have to do with them or even bumping into them. 

I love them, but I want to go away from them. Of course, for good. 

They are actually people who are always joyful, the kind of people who would lend their shoulders to everyone who needs one, full of positive vibe, funny, almost all of them have contagious laughter, a good leader and I love love love love love them. Tapi I'm not that kind of person. I don't even want to be like that anymore. It's like I'm trying to be someone I never be. 

I am that kind of person who would lend my shoulders to everyone who needs one, but myself is full of negativity, really. I can share a positive thoughts and goals to my friends but really when I'm alone or even in the middle of the crowd, I can feel the negativity is slowly swallowing me. Right now I can still fight it, but once it wins, I just break. And I wouldn't know myself anymore. I'm not funny, I'm lack in sense of humor, and I'm absolutely wouldn't make a good leader. And being with them makes me feels like I'm soil. No, mud.

I used to care about them, and when running away from them is all I do, I feel like I don't care anymore that it looks like I don't care.

And it feels like you realize that you fell out of love with someone you promised your life with. Shocking and sad and you miss that feeling; to love someone endlessly and unconditionally.

But no, the love never fade actually.

It's just I'm tired of running away from the people that were never even chasing me. They wouldn't care if I run away anyway. And surprisingly, that feels okay. Really okay. 

They don't have to let me go, I was never there anyway. 

I'm the one who needs to let them go, because I'm not part of them and I need to accept the fact that I'll never be part of them no matter how I try. Because being something that is so opposite from myself is so hurtful and feels silly and I'm 2014 Afifah Nabila all over again. I don't want to be a zombie.

Dear you who berkaitan,

Please tell them I love them. I absolutely love every funny things and jokes and thoughts that they ever said. And never in my life they have ever been rude to me even if it supposed to be rude. Because trust me, I'm much more rude than that. And they don't have to say that they don't want to let me go. They don't have to, I was never there anyway right? And again I love love love love them. 

That's all. 

Pyps. x


2016 Books Wishlist

Hey hello hi assalamualaikum :)

Today I went to the library and borrowed some books. And gosh do I love books. I love like obsessed addicted admire adore books and everything about books. 

But, some books I'm looking for aren't there Y_Y
SO MAYBE I NEED TO BUY IT MYSELF. Well at least I can re-read the same book for a few times. 

First of all, The Fault In Our Stars.

This book isn't the best but it is one of the best. I actually read it once in the library tapi I'm still unsatisfied so maybe I would buy it someday.

Second of all, The Mortal Instruments Series.

Who doesn't love fantasies. I don't know but, obviously, I'm not one of those people who doesn't like fantasies. I haven't read any of the series yet but I watched the movie for a few times. So, yes. I'm probably going to buy it.

Third, Just One Day & If I Stay series.

I only read the first novel of the series. And I'm so curious about what's going to happen to them. Does him even remember her or what? What actually happened that night? And hm. I'm going to buy the series. And I only saw the first movie of If I Stay (read: Movie Review: If I Stay)

Next on the line is, Looking for Alaska.

I don't know. I just love John Green. 

Paper Towns, The Abundance Of Katherines?

Again, I love John Green.

Just Like Fate.

I read it once and I'm going to read it again and again and again.

The Truth About Forever, Fangirl, Anna and the French Kiss, P.S. I Still Love You, To All The Boys I Loved Before and more tapi I tak ingat.

Pyps. xoxo


New Year Speech

Hello to you. To everybody. To the new year, the new chapter of our life. Lets welcome this year with a vision of better us. Today is January 2nd, 2016. Not too late, right? 

New years selalunya menggambarkan changes. Selalu orang akan pasang azam sebelum tahun baru. Including me. And orang pasang azam selalunya to be a better person kan? Tapi on my opinion lah, if you want to change, you don't have to wait tahun baru pun. You could change in the middle of April, in the midnight if you want to. But I guess most of people wait for new year to change. Lagi bersemangat, kononnya. 

It's not wrong. It's your life, you change when you want to, when you're ready, in your own ways. And some changes memang hanya boleh buat time new year. 

I don't know lah kalau orang boleh faham apa yang saya taip nih -,-'

I change every time I think I should. Tapi that doesn't prevent me to have a new year resolution kan? New year bucket list. 

I want to be healthier. Drink water more, exercise more, stay organized more, relax more. I also want to save my allowance so that I can buy a lot of things. And I love money. And I'm trying to be more kedekut untuk beli makanan sebab I love money. Well, macam mana mau hidup kalau tiada duit kan, kalau menurut akal sihat. *Materialistic me* I want to explore more. I don't want to be so cowardice anymore. I want to beat the wave. 

Tomorrow is hari pendaftaran asrama. And since I don't live there anymore, for several reasons yang boleh saya nyatakan di sini untuk mempertahankan diri saya dan rata-ratanya adalah tepat dan benar tapi kenyataannya I love it more at home. Sebab lebih selesa, family ada sini (walaupun hari-hari bertekak), I have my guitar here, my music here, my books here. And these things and people are my home. I don't want to live at place where I don't feel like I'm home.

Yalah, asrama kan. Orang lain pun tinggal asrama juga. Orang lain pun rasa yang sama juga.

The reason that I don't feel like I'm home is one of the reasons, but not the main reason. And I don't wanna talk about it now.

School school school school high school high school form four form four senior senior senior new classmates new classmates new classmates.

I love school. And I'm excited to be a high school student. And a new class, and new classmates. But whatever. I don't want to go to school. Yet.

That's all from me. Assalamualaikum and adios.

Pypaa. xoxo

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