when a relationship ends-

When a relationship whether it's between lovers or friends, end, we find ourselves asking a lot of questions to ourselves. Am I the one who wrong? Did I unknowingly make mistake? Why did he/she/them left me? What went wrong that it got to this? How? When?

We expected them to be with us for a long time, it's only natural that these questions come to our mind. We met, we got to know each other and it took time to get comfortable around each other, we cared about them, we loved, cherish and shared secrets with them, of course we didn't see the separation coming. We fought and made up. We kept some secrets from each other. And maybe we never think that it would get so bad, but some relationships just can't be fixed. Maybe externally the relationship looked just fine, but internally it wasn't. Maybe to us the relationship was great but maybe to the other person, it just wasn't right. There are a lot of things that can cause an end to a relationship.

If an end is supposed to happen, it's gonna happen. It'll hurt us, break us to pieces and sometimes it make people lose themselves. But you know what? Relationships between humans are all going to end anyway. Only relationship between you and God that is going to last forever. That's why when we are in those relationships, cherish it. Don't take it for granted because we never know when or how it's going to end.

When the relationships end, don't blame yourself too much. Maybe you were wrong in some ways, but learn from it because there'll be another person who'll come to your life. There'll be new relationships, and in the future, try to do better.


don't wish for something you don't really know | a vent

Because wishing for something you don't know is like wishing for something when you only see the shadow, not the object. (picture credit)

One day, I did some venting with some of my friends. It was hard for me, as I tend to bottle every feelings I have inside and I have a trust issue. I was talking about my problems when one of my friends said:

"You have everything that most of us (people who live in hostel) want. You live at home, you have a lot of time, you have your family with you, you have almost everything we want. Some of us want your life."

Of course, what she said at first made me really mad. Mad, sad and the you-don't-know-how-it's-like feeling. For a while, I regretted telling them anything. It seemed as if they weren't listening at all. To be very honest, when I think about what they said, until this day, I still feel disappointed. I can't even be angry because some people are just not made to be a good listener. I was the one who chose them to vent to. I should have prepare for any comments they might give, instead of expecting them to just listen. 

I know I should be grateful for what I have. I am thankful. Like they said, I live at home instead of hostel. I have the time to study and do what I want. I have the chance to spend a lot more time with my family. I can be happier. I mean, that's what they see. I am thankful for what I have, but I don't have everything that they said. I do have the time to study but I don't have the perfect surrounding to study. I should have a chance to spend time with my family but my other family members don't have time for me. I can do what I love but I can't do anything when my mind is always, always, always somewhere else. 

These people saying they want my life when they don't even know what I face every single day. They don't know about my anxiety issue, they don't know anything and they want my life. They don't know that there are a lot of times I wish that I go to school somewhere far away from home so that my heart can be at ease. They don't know how sometimes I wish that I could bear living at the hostel longer than I did. They don't know that sometimes, I wish that I can live the way they're living so that I can be carefree. 

So people, my point is, don't ever wish for something you don't really know. Imagine yourself choosing a pet based on its shadow, not knowing what kind of animal it is, how does it really looks like and saying "oh I want this animal to be my pet! its shadow looks cute!" wouldn't you look stupid? And worse, when you really get that pet, it's actually not that cute? I hope you get my point.

Pypaa. xoxo


For you people | Sunday's thought

For you people and for future me.

Another week is going to start tomorrow. People often talk about Monday like it's so bad (except when Monday is a public holiday) and me too, not looking forward for Mondays. It's the beginning of a week, and I'm always nervous about it. What if I mess up this week? What if this week's gonna be the worst week? Negative thinking, that's what it is. And negative thinking is not a good thing to start a week with.

So I write this for me and for you guys.

Some days are going to be good, and some are going to be bad. That's how life is, a roller coaster. If you're always thinking about what might gone wrong, what good would it bring you? Not happiness, certainly. But if you try to look forward more for what good things this week stores for you, at least you'll not be this robot-like human just trying to get through another week.

Last week might be bad, but who can be so certain about what's gonna happen next. Maybe if this week is bad too, there'll be much beautiful reward for you the next week. After all, the one who writes our stories is the Greatest writer, and He loves his creations.

For this week and the weeks after that,
I hope that you and me will be happy.
I hope that He eases our way in this world.
I hope that we don't over-snooze our alarm and not wake up late.
I hope that we don't forget the important things for the day.
I hope that the traffic jam isn't so bad, making you late.
I hope that our hard works worth it and we'll get rewards as great as our hard works.

And if you're feeling alone, please know you're not. If you have a problem, you can share it with me. I'm here to listen. If you think you'll never find that one person who'll listen to you and lend you their shoulders, please know that that person exists somewhere, it's just you haven't found them yet. When the time comes, you will meet them and you'll finally feel less alone.

If you're feeling unloved, please know that you're loved. It's easy to say when you don't know me personally and see my flaws, you might say. But you're loved, not by everyone but some people love you. If not, there is one person that loves you. And this love is enough, and much precious than fake loves that some people show.

So for you guys who read this,
all the best for tomorrow and the days after that.

Lots and infinity of love,
Pypaa. xoxo


adjusting to life as a form student-

3 weeks without a rest : that's how I feel about this new routine. I'm so tired everyday, I don't get enough sleep, there's so much to do with so little time. I guess that's what people call growing up. Ahhh I miss the time where there was a thing called 'afternoon nap' in my life. There's none now. Only nap in the class, nap between subjects, standing up nap and some other naps that are not afternoon nap. Sad.

But people say you need to get through sea of thorns if you want to live in a beautiful garden full of roses or Malay people say, bersusah-susah dahulu, bersenang-senang kemudian.

Every teacher that went into our class said that all of us look so tired. We are, cikgu, thanks for noticing and sometimes give us some rest time and sometimes giving us motivation to keep studying although we feel like we might fall anytime soon.

I'm tired too, but at class, I'm not as tired as others because I've been drinking coffee every morning since school started. I hate coffee, I hate how my mouth smells after I drink it and I hate that sometimes I got gastritis just because I don't eat anything before drinking coffee but a girl gotta do what a girl gotta do, alright.


wednesdays are the worst-

Doesn't everyone has that one day of weekdays that they totally hate? Well for me, that day is Wednesday. Wednesdays at school are the worst. There are extra curricular activities, the need to be under the sunlight during the afternoon, sweating a lot, being scolded because some people are late to the dataran, being tired, and tons of homework to do at night when all I want to do is to sleep. It's a busy and tiring day, every week.

Today is the worst Wednesday for my whole secondary school student life. It's just a bad day, I know, but my bad days are always on Wednesday. I always cry on Wednesday. It doesn't mean that I don't cry during the other days, but I cry the most on Wednesdays. Maybe it's the mindset about Wednesday, psychological thingy. But nonetheless, my Wednesdays are bad.

Today, I got ridiculed by the boys, it was so shameful. I'm obviously not in the mood to talk about it in details, so I'm just gonna say this: boys at my school are suck. Does it hurt so much to at least not hurt me? I'm not even asking them to respect me as if I'm a very good person (I'm not), I'm just asking not to be ridiculed and embarrassed in front of people. I already feel that my entire existent is an embarrassment, I don't have to be more embarrassed, okay?

Today, someone just throw their anger at me when I do nothing wrong. I don't know if that person hates me or what, but girl, you can't just get mad at me for no reasons. It's annoying. And I was already annoyed by the boys to begin with.

And today, I need to go to 3 different stores with not small distance, just to find 2 permanent markers. 3 different stores, for 2 little things. That's just annoying. So annoying.

Today is a very annoying day. But like they say, it's just a bad day, not a bad life. This too shall pass so I should be patient. If you're having a bad day, like me, I hope you're patient too.


invisible and ghostly-

Whenever I'm with them, I always feel like I'm a ghost; unheard and invisible. I'm a socially awkward person, and they are these lively, and seemingly happy people. They are these people full of colors and I'm this dull, colorless person.

I've always question whether my decision to be in this group of people was the right decision. They are a family, am I a part of them? Why is it even when I do everything I can, I still feel out of place when I'm with them? Sometimes, I think I should just ask them all these questions that are lingering around my mind. But I'm afraid if they'll say yes, you're the dullest person here and we feel like you don't belong here. How can I possibly listen to that, when I love these people? I love this group of people, and even if I barely feel included, I want to be able to love them.

If I want to leave them, I'm sure they'll barely feel anything because my presence was barely there too. It's my mistake that I don't include myself more, I know that. So I want to leave, even when it'll hurt me so much. I've been feeling so invisible and ghostly these past years, even to my own family. It's unhealthy and toxic for me to be in this state of mind. If I have the ability to stop feeling this way, I should do it, right?

I like them so much but I can't be like them, and I know that it's selfish for me to just leave but when something does more bad to you than good, well you should just leave.


Nabila's 2016 Books Wishlist

Since last year, I've been trying to read more books. English books specifically. So I watched a lot of booktube videos, signed up for Goodreads and added a lot of books to my to-be-read list. There were tons of book added to the list and I was really excited. Hence this post is created to list the books I really want to own and read this year.

01. The Mortal Instruments series.

I watched City of Bones a while ago and loved it so much. I really hope they will make the movie sequel too, but it seems like they're not. Therefore, I want to buy this series to know what will happen to Clary next.

02. If I Stay duology.

I mentioned If I Stay in one of my posts before. Now that I know that there's a sequel to If I Stay, I would love to know what happen after the ending. I'm curious.

03. Anna and the French Kiss.

I've heard nothing but good reviews about it hence, I want to read it. In addition, the story sets in Paris, City of Love! A love story sets in Paris? I'm in for it.

04. Gone Girl.

I've seen a lot of people quoting this book and it seems interesting. I also want to try a thriller book, so why not?


New Year Speech

Hello to you and happy new year! I think it's not too late to say happy new year. 2016, I'm going to be 15 this year. So many things happened, and I can't be more excited and curious about what's next in my life. This year, I'll be a upper secondary school student. It feels like I was just a form 1 student yesterday.

When a new year comes, it's natural that people automatically think about some new changes they want to make in their life. Majority people have their own goals for this new year. Maybe some people just continue to achieve their last year's goal and maybe add one or two new goal, and some others make a completely new goal list.

I hope that all of us can do our best to at least achieve half of our goals. Lets us together try hard to be a better person than we are today. May this year be the year we become the best version of ourselves. May Allah ease everything for us, aamiin.

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