1.31.2016

Home Isn't Always Happiness


My friend used to ask me,

"If you could have anything in life, what would it be?"

I answered,

"I want endless amount of money (me being materialistic and half-lying) and just happy."

Then she said,

"Happy? Itu jak kau mau?"

Yes. I only want to be happy. Because I'm a human, and humans are actually chasing for an eternal happiness.

Orang usaha kuat-kuat, mahu capai impian yang tinggi, sebab mahukan kebahagiaan. Orang berhenti belajar, sebab tidak mahu terikat dengan peraturan sekolah, pun sebab dia mahukan kegembiraan. Orang Islam, sentiasa solat 5 waktu, berzikir kepadaNya, puasa, bayar zakat, beriman, untuk mencari kebahagiaan yang abadi di syurga nanti.

Can't you see? Kita semua mencari kebahagiaan dan kegembiraan.

But that's not the topic hari ini.

My friends always say, yang kehidupan saya amatlah mudah, bahagia, bahagia, syok, syok dan bahagia.

I can understand sebab mereka tinggal di hostel. Dan keluarga mereka amatlah.. bahagia? I guess so? Sebab tu dorang tidak sanggup berjauhan dengan family? I don't know. Sebab since I was 7, I planned on running away from this town. I love this town, I love my family tapi there are some reasons yang membuatkan saya ingin lari. Lari dari sesuatu yang menghilangkan kegembiraan saya.

Diorang bolehlah cakap saya bahagia. Saya gembira. I am happy, but I'm not happy. They totally have no idea apa yang saya lalui setiap pagi and petang and malam. Diorang tidak tau. And the point is, mereka tidak akan pernah faham. Sebab mereka terlalu sibuk melihat kebaikan tinggal di rumah berbanding keburukannya. Sebab mereka sibuk melihat kebahagiaan yang sering dipancarkan dari senyuman saya, kesenyapan saya apabila mereka sedang bercakap pasal hostel, sampai air mata yang sentiasa bertakung di mata saya, tidak pernah kelihatan. That's the point.

They don't know how it fucking hurts, deep inside my heart. 

And no. I wouldn't tell them kenapa tidak bahagianya saya tinggal di rumah.

Sebab they are not genuine. They are just curious. 

People always say,

"Kalau kau ada masalah, ada apa-apa mau cakap, just want to spill everything out, cakap jak dengan saya. Saya sudi mendengar."

And in the end, mereka just curious. Sebab instead of just listening, they criticize everything. They judge. So apalah point of talking? I'm not the one who's talking, dorang yang sibuk mengkritik betapa salahnya perasaan yang saya rasakan sedangkan dorang tidak tau cerita saya.

Home might equal to happiness to some people, tapi bukan saya. I am happy with my family, but this isn't happiness.

That's all for today. Farewell from and to the other side. Assalamualaikum. xoxoxoxoxo

Update: I was in a very dark place when I wrote this. Please don't mind anything that I wrote. My mind wasn't in a good shape during this phase. I don't want to delete this because it holds something in my heart.

Love,
Pyps.

2 comments

  1. I thought i'm the only one who taught the same of running away from my own home *sad*

    ReplyDelete

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