1.18.2016

invisible and ghostly-


Whenever I'm with them, I always feel like I'm a ghost; unheard and invisible. I'm a socially awkward person, and they are these lively, and seemingly happy people. They are these people full of colors and I'm this dull, colorless person.

I've always question whether my decision to be in this group of people was the right decision. They are a family, am I a part of them? Why is it even when I do everything I can, I still feel out of place when I'm with them? Sometimes, I think I should just ask them all these questions that are lingering around my mind. But I'm afraid if they'll say yes, you're the dullest person here and we feel like you don't belong here. How can I possibly listen to that, when I love these people? I love this group of people, and even if I barely feel included, I want to be able to love them.

If I want to leave them, I'm sure they'll barely feel anything because my presence was barely there too. It's my mistake that I don't include myself more, I know that. So I want to leave, even when it'll hurt me so much. I've been feeling so invisible and ghostly these past years, even to my own family. It's unhealthy and toxic for me to be in this state of mind. If I have the ability to stop feeling this way, I should do it, right?

I like them so much but I can't be like them, and I know that it's selfish for me to just leave but when something does more bad to you than good, well you should just leave.

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