1.18.2016

How Do I Make These People Let Me Go?

credit: tumblr

Have you ever love this group of people, like really like and love and absolutely adore them but you want to run away from them? Because that's what I'm feeling right now. And actually if I want to move from this school, they would be one of the reasons. Not because I hate them. Like I said, I love, like and absolutely adore them.

I used to see a lot of people wanted to walk away from this group. But they didn't because the group loved them. And before, I used to say that I'll never walk away. But now I'm hesitating to even meet them. I want to avoid anything that have to do with them or even bumping into them. 

I love them, but I want to go away from them. Of course, for good. 

They are actually people who are always joyful, the kind of people who would lend their shoulders to everyone who needs one, full of positive vibe, funny, almost all of them have contagious laughter, a good leader and I love love love love love them. Tapi I'm not that kind of person. I don't even want to be like that anymore. It's like I'm trying to be someone I never be. 

I am that kind of person who would lend my shoulders to everyone who needs one, but myself is full of negativity, really. I can share a positive thoughts and goals to my friends but really when I'm alone or even in the middle of the crowd, I can feel the negativity is slowly swallowing me. Right now I can still fight it, but once it wins, I just break. And I wouldn't know myself anymore. I'm not funny, I'm lack in sense of humor, and I'm absolutely wouldn't make a good leader. And being with them makes me feels like I'm soil. No, mud.

I used to care about them, and when running away from them is all I do, I feel like I don't care anymore that it looks like I don't care.

And it feels like you realize that you fell out of love with someone you promised your life with. Shocking and sad and you miss that feeling; to love someone endlessly and unconditionally.

But no, the love never fade actually.

It's just I'm tired of running away from the people that were never even chasing me. They wouldn't care if I run away anyway. And surprisingly, that feels okay. Really okay. 

They don't have to let me go, I was never there anyway. 

I'm the one who needs to let them go, because I'm not part of them and I need to accept the fact that I'll never be part of them no matter how I try. Because being something that is so opposite from myself is so hurtful and feels silly and I'm 2014 Afifah Nabila all over again. I don't want to be a zombie.

Dear you who berkaitan,

Please tell them I love them. I absolutely love every funny things and jokes and thoughts that they ever said. And never in my life they have ever been rude to me even if it supposed to be rude. Because trust me, I'm much more rude than that. And they don't have to say that they don't want to let me go. They don't have to, I was never there anyway right? And again I love love love love them. 

That's all. 

Love,
Pyps. x

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