Vent Session: Current Life, Family, Friends

I was born as the first child. And first child is a synonym to berdikari, being a good example to the younger siblings, and positive and smart and intelligent and so on. 

I'm trying to be like their expectations. I'm trying trying trying. And I get better each day tapi I'm not always perfect and that's okay.

But one thing that I got from being the first child is, I need to always always always look strong to my brothers. I need to look brave. I need to teach them to be a better person than I actually am. And that makes me a keeper. I don't open up about my problems to people. I'm not a talker, I'm a writer.

So whenever people ask me to talk, to open up, I'm going to be very speechless. I want to say something but it will tersekat di skala 6. My voice, I mean. It wouldn't come out. 

Sometimes I want to say it, tapi macam mana if the responds are going to be very awkwardly awkward?

Okay. Now I need to talk about my life.

Just now my friend said yang my other friend said,

'Best ni saya nampak kehidupan si Pypaa. Dia pandai, dia tinggal di rumah, dia sama family dia. Bahagia ni dia. Saya mau betul kehidupan dia.'

But I think kan, kehidupan orang lain seems better than mine tau. They got to enjoy. Be with friends. Experiencing how is it being young. I want that life. I long for their life. But they want mine. 

To be honest, my life isn't perfect. I always have some problems, a lot of problems actually. The difference is, I'm good in hiding something. Especially my feelings, my problems, I'll hide it and people wouldn't really see it. Sometimes even in the middle of the crowd, saya rasa macam mau nangis. Sebab rasa terlalu lalu lalu lalu lalu halimunan. And my problems are worse. Bukan pasal study jak, I got some confidence issue, trust issue, friendship issue, being honest issue, the untold words issue, my family issue, my big family issue, my second beloved family issue, money issue, issue and issue. 

The problem never ends.

So what do you really expect from my life? Just because I don't live at hostel but I live in my home, doesn't mean yang saya tiada masalah. My life have the bright and the dark side.

Family. Well I already told you about my position in my family in the mukaddimah.

But now I'm going to tell you about my second beloved family. PRS family. They are my idol. My inspiration. This family played a big role about my changes. From this family, I learn about not being too judgmental, not to care about what people think, to think from other perspectives.

But since saya tidak tinggal hostel and I'm not a talker, I have problem with being a PRS. Sometimes I don't even know why I got chosen to be a PRS. I'm not a confident person, I'm not a talker, I'm not that friendly tapi kenapa saya? Kenapa saya, yang sikapnya 360 degree berbeza dengan PRS yang lain, dipilih untuk jadi PRS?

That's why, I always try to run from them. Saya rasa macam I'm on the lowest part in the world and they are living up in the sky. Because I'm not as confident as them, I'm not as friendly as them, I'm not a good talker, saya rasa macam saya tidak layak langsung Y_Y

And earlier in this year, I actually decided to try to letak jawatan as a PRS. Because I was never a PRS anyway. I'm like a fly in the rose garden.

So today, I opened up to Ain and Lala and Mia. I was kind of relieved and they gave me some motivation so I decided to try again. To just be happy. To just do it. To be a part of them again.

Like Lala said,

"Kau patut buang seja semua tu. Buat apa mau rasa takut kan? Dulu saya pun macam tu tapi, saya fikir, kan saya hidup satu kali jak, saya mau mati sudah ni, jadi buat apa mau takut untuk bercakap kan?"

That's all and all. Farewell and assalamualaikum :) Good luck.

Pyps. xoxo

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