Hello. It's been a while. I am busy with the preparation for SPM right now, but I need to get things off my chest and ask your opinion about what I'm currently feeling (maybe?). This post won't be useful to everyone, but I will really appreciate it if you're willing to read this post until the end and let me know your thoughts about it.

1. Is it okay to be nice to people I'm not really comfortable with and I want to run away from? 

Reading the question I just typed down, it sounds so ridiculous. Of course it's okay to be kind and nice to people, no matter how we hate them. The problem with me is, when I'm acting nice to them, I don't feel like myself. I feel like I'm being the biggest hypocrite ever, and I hate hypocrisy. I need to put up an act whenever I face the person/people and as much as I want to run away, I can't. I'll feel guilty. But then, when I walk with them, I feel this sick feeling in my stomach and I hate that.

2. Is it okay to just let my brother do as he please?

I was so far from a goody-two-shoes when I was their age. I broke rules too, and I locked myself up in my room too doing whatever I want and shutting the outside world. I'm not much older, but I'm their big sister and I always feel the need to protect them from doing things that might bring bad things to them in the end, and protect my family's name. My brother is going to have his PT3 this year and I don't even know if he already prepare for it because we don't talk much these days. Whenever I ask him where will he go after PT3, he said he doesn't know and I am so so so so so worried guys. I didn't know which path would I take when I was sitting for PT3 too, but I can't help myself from being scared for him.

3. Last but not least, is it okay that me myself doesn't know which path I should take after SPM?

When I ask my mother about this, she'll say "Just focus on your SPM now, don't worry about the afters." But guys, I can't help but wonder whether it's okay to be this way right now. Is it okay that I'm not sure whether I want to be a doctor, or a teacher, or other things I want to be? I still have a lot of ambitions and I don't know what should I be and to be honest, not having an ambition is not motivating me to study at all.

I know that most of my blog readers are older than me, so can you please let me know your thoughts about my confusions? Please?

Lots of love,
Afifah Nabila. xoxo